“I never would have believed that the Lord would take me halfway around the world to expose my sin.” That is what I wrote in my journal on August 2, 2012, from Kiev, Ukraine. This entry followed the absolute darkest time of our trip—our trip being extended week after week after week, which led to great financial stress, personal and marital stress, our two little boys climbing the walls and under our skin, not to mention road-block after road-block to adopt, and no idea if we would be able to adopt one little girl, two little girls, or any little girl, along with not even knowing what girls we would be allowed to adopt.
During that time all I kept thinking was, “What is up with this Lord? Our whole family came in obedience to You to rescue two little orphan girls from sex trafficking and death, and this is the deal we get??? Don’t YOU love orphans?!?! Why are you making this so brutal for us?” Spiritually and emotionally, I was in a very dark place, although I can fake it with the best of them.
Then came the breakthrough. Here’s the journal entry:
“Peace. After Rage. The last 48 hours have been awful. Within me has been unbelief, rage, frustration, selfishness, and entitlement. I have sinned. I have spoken sinfully. But I’ve spoken from the wound, not from the soul. My words of complaining and doubting the Lord’s goodness—all words for the wind, and from the wound, not the soul. God you know this.
Sat down with Christie and repented in prayer before her and with her, and to the Lord for all the above with tears running down my face. Everything that I have ever preached against had root in me. If it wasn’t for this LONG wait in Ukraine, this ‘cancer’ would have remained hidden. I feel as though I’ve come through the fire of purging.
I never would have believed that the Lord would take me halfway across the world to expose my sin—my negativity, my spoiled-rotteness, my sense of entitlement, my ingratitude, my unbelief, my anger, my hypocrisy. I see now why my/our four years of praying to adopt wasn’t answered as soon as we arrived here in Ukraine. I understand now why the way has been anything but smooth. If the way had been smooth, my spoiledness, self-deception, blindness, hypocrisy, self-righteousness, entitlement, anger—things which I know lurk, but fail to realize how deeply rooted they are—I would have remained sick and infected with the cancer of these sins.
As I’ve gone through this exposure, I’ve fought it tooth and nail! WHY DO I DO THAT???? Christ is after His glory, my good, my freedom, and others joy!
Last night I surrendered, submitted, gave up. I took off the gloves and fell to my knees: “Lord, have your way in me. Thy will be done.”
The reality is God! Not the adoption. Not our frustrating circumstances. CHRIST IS THE REALITY! Everything else is secondary. There is such sweet peace coming to grips with this. I’m not sure if the Lord is completely done with me, but in a sense, today, I feel like the Lord has set down his saw. He has released the circumstances to become smoother now. I can sense it. We will behold our two little girls very soon, I’m sure of it. The Lord will meet all our needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
Wow. The Lord has been as much (or more) interested in my heart, and Christie’s heart, as the rescue of orphans. To Him be praise and glory.”
Yes, God has a greater work to do in us rather than just through us. Are you under great stress right now? What might He be exposing in you? Your breakthrough is nigh. And when He finally breaks through, and you are fully and freely His, you might just find miraculous pieces start coming together.
[You can read about this supernatural journey on Christie's blog, by beginning HERE (click to read).]
