13 Thoughts on the Art of Splitting Wood

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13 Thoughts on the Art of Splitting Wood

Posted by Jarrod | Filed under Feature blogs, Ministry, Personal

1) Prep with Advil and get a good night’s sleep the night before.

2) Drinks lots of coffee next morn.

3) When in woods search out a good spot for relieving coffee. Careful. Two words for you—poison ivy.

4) Have dad, or capable and willing friend, to chainsaw the wood. This will save your life.

5) Take axe in one hand, beat your chest with the other, and yell. Recommend yelling and beating your chest after every third solid wood split. (Girls are excluded from this primal male activity).

6) If right handed, swing axe upward, left hand under right hand on handle, step left foot forward, and slam axe into wood. Loud grunts are recommended.

7) If you’re left handed, good luck.

8. If wood is knotted, don’t bother. Hours will be spent on said piece of wood. Only splinters will be your reward. Losing Christianity as a result is possibility.

9) Be wary of missing wood with axe head and striking with axe handle. Hands will feel as if on fire. Dirty words will form in mind and possibly exit through lips.

10) After piling wood in truck, yell out a big high-pitched “wheeeeew!” followed by a deep throaty “Yeeaah!” This is just what a man does after splitting wood.

11) Call wife. (You’re calling as if to say, “I’ve endangered my life to provide a fire in our home that puts out no heat. But I’m safe and coming home. And I love you.” But what you’re really calling to say is, “Hey, I’m awesome. Can’t wait to show you the briar cuts on my arm. And I’m hungry.”

12) When at home, slightly grunt, groan, and walk with a limp while bent slightly at the waist, sigh a lot, and talk about how “worn out” you are. (Be careful not to overdo).

13) Track a little bit of dirt and wood splinters into the house but not too much as to tick off your wife. Again, the trick is prove hard work and sacrifice via dirt and grime. The goal is to coerce amazement and attraction. Too much dirt in the house is a death knell to that.

A final word to the women:

Please “oooh” and “aaaah” when you see the truck full of split wood, our cuts, and our dirty clothes. Tell us we’re amazing and that we’re your hero. And feed us chili.

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Tags: Advil, axe, briars, chainsaw, christianity, coffee, cut, danger, death, dirt, fire, goal, groan, grunt, hands, hero, knell, primal, sacrifice, saw, sleep, splinter, splinters, split, truck, wife, wood, work

Permalink | December 1st, 2008

2 Responses to “13 Thoughts on the Art of Splitting Wood”

Deidre Says:
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 am
Brad and I laughed so hard at this! This is the exact picture of what happened over Thanksgiving when he split wood! (Except I don’t make chili.)
Jarrod Says:
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Hey Diedre,
Ha! Tell Brad I feel his pain. Hope you guys are well! Thanks for reading my blog, by the way. Blessings to you.